I am still here….beat up but not broken…

Posted by on Jun 6, 2011 in Mission: Get Inspired | 3 comments

I am still here….beat up but not broken…

Wow.

Have you ever been in such a flurry of emotions that your ability to communicate effectively, your desire to create and your focus somehow disappears.

I have been so quiet lately…

Not writing…

not sketching…

not creating new product…

not being “me.”

 

Its now June.  And I have yet to land that next career move.

My patience is wearing thin…my confidence is wavering…. i feel beat up

I knew in April when I was laid off, that this process would be a tedious,  roller coaster of hope and discouragment.  That even though I have a big faith in a Mighty provision and a great confidence in my abilities, the job market is still poopy and super competitive…this could take longer than the my prior jobs. I knew this.. but I didn’t think it would be so hard to be unemployed.

This process, if you have been through it, is much like Internet Dating Sites. (If you have never been laid off, or scoped out dates online, either…than count yourself all sorts of blessed)

Here is how it usually goes, (for me at least)

You carefully and meticulously search all the nooks and cranies of the pool, looking for something that matches your desires.  You come across the perfect profile, and it seems as though you could have written it yourself…it looks like a perfect match!  Someone, on “paper” that matches up to your values, interests and passions.  So, you craft a careful message, picking the correct lure to snag their interest and than you wait, in hopes for a response and positive outcome.

Something…a wink… a reply?… even a “no thanks” would be better than nothing at all….

You get so excited… “This could be a match… yipee…”

and then a few days go by…

and then a week…

and then a few weeks…

and then you chalk up the nothingness as a loss…and feel a little defeated…

jab, cross, uppercut, owwie.

 

This job search, in the desperation of a job loss, is much like this. I have found such amazing opportunities…companies that are growing and have the greatest culture and opportunities….that have jobs designed for me and the skills I absolutely flourish in…I apply and pray… and I wait.

 

Yet, even after a handful of responses, slow moving interview processes and countless other no responses… you can’t help but feel a little beat up after a few months of almost nothingness.

 

I realize my situation is not that terrbile. I have my freelancing.  I have my health. I have my dwindling savings. And there are thousands of peoples that have been jobless for many many months now.  And still they persevere.  I have some great, amazing leads..and great opportunities this week coming up… but these past few weeks have been a total roller coaster, I just needed to share and purge all the uckiness out.

 

I have been through tough times.  God has taught me about patience and provision.  He has carried me out of darkness before.  There have been great storms in my life…I know how to do that…thrive in chaos.

But I have never been in such a numbing situation before. ..how do I thrive in the quiet?

 

Most times, when I write,  I encourage others to reflect and pray upon things that God is showing me.  But today…as I have felt for the last few weeks… I just can’t hear Him…and my desire is inconsistent.  So, its selfish… I feel terribly vulnerable and ashamed—with everything that is going on the world.. that I would selfishly ask for prayer for myself and situation.

If you were sitting outside my window…just moments ago… (im glad you were not…that would be a little creepy ;)

This is what you may have overheard…

“I get it God…my job is an idol… I worship my responsibilities and value my prideful accomplishments….I spend more time learning how to be a better employee/entrepreneur than I do learning about you.

I spend my money in personal development– instead of giving it back to You or investing in my or others salvation..

My worth is in my career…my title…my income…Not in You.

I feel broken, that a piece of me is gone because I am “unemployed”

When all the while, that piece wasn’t supposed to be filling in any voids anyways…

I get it.

I am a sinful, broken, messed up person…I love money.  I love what money can do.

Yet I am not in love with Love.

And what Your Love can do.

yet I am sure I am not alone in this…

would you fix my heart? Take your place as the center of my life?

Wipe away my earthly, fleshy desires…and just wreck me with more of You.”

I am praying these things in Your Sons most precious name…

Praying for the desire to love Your Love.

amen.

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3 Comments

  1. You can be a professional writer…. !!

  2. Oh my Missy that was great~ i agree with Pam you should write.. you have such a way with words and expression… i think you owe some of that to Grandmas reading to you all the time@~ and your love for books~~
    God will answer your prayers.. your God and my God is an awesome God indeed and He will see that you are not broken my dear.. I could not be more proud of you… you know we are always here for you too.. i dont want you to ever forget that!~
    love you more than life itself~~
    love
    Mom

  3. I really like your Internet dating summation. Lol…I just didn’t know that that was a universal trademark feeling with the one who rejects and the rejected one. Thanks for the heads up.

    But on a more serious note, haven been through a similar situation I’ve learned through my experience that if you’re still surviving in the place of death, then you’ve conquered death. If one of the worst situations (based on societal standards) anyone could be in is losing your job, and going through a season of high level of uncertainty and dwindling finances and no quick replacement job openings is what I’m going through but I’m still alive (even more alive in my spirit) then I’m more than a conqueror.

    I believe it’s the fulfillment of I Corinthians 15:56 ‘oh death where is thy sting, or Hades where is your victory’. And it’s in the place of death we trust God ABSOLUTELY to deliver us that we should not trust in ourselves. Another fulfillment of scripture as written by Paul in 2 Corinthians 9-11.

    Your prayer shows you’re learning the lessons quicker than most do. Because the Bible says He is the First and the Last, anything or anyone who takes that position in our lives, God has a way of taking away from us that His Glory in our lives be not shared with none else.

    This is a very good place to be because for once we can truly declare God is our source. That’s why it seems all we try goes only as far as our arms length because all that is required from us is to trust God wholly and cease from our own works.

    It’s the still small voice moment.

    Stay encouraged Melissa, you are fulfilling scripture. Picked by God to experience Him in a re-defined way to bring you into a new appreciation of Him that elevates your awe of Him.

    God Bless.