Humor Post: Ladies only… Big Boobs and Bathing Suits… oh no!

Posted by on Jun 23, 2012 in News | 3 comments

Humor Post:  Ladies only… Big Boobs and Bathing Suits…  oh no!


In my effort to be super transparent and share my life stories ( good and bad)  I thought this might be an “uplifting” story to share.. especially for those women with a “large” problem ;)

Bathing Suit shopping for most curvy  women like me is as torturous as a having a root canal, while having your big toenail plucked off while being poked in the eye with a spork, while being forced to listen to Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” in Japanese, on repeat…

You with me ladies?

Since most bathing suits are made of tooth floss and lycra adorned to fit a pre-teen.. how in the world do we find something that covers, supports, hides our insecure spots, and does not make us look 30 years older than we really are?

I myself… go to Victorias Secret or a Department Store like Macy’s  and scour the sales floor and grab every large-ish looking top I can find.  While in the dressing room, as my blood pressure and insecurities rise… I get tangled in the little bits of fabrics and little strings… the result:  more boobs.  side boob, under boob, top boob…(boob is such a strange word) strings digging into shoulder.. oh dear.. its not pretty.

As I look at the tag. and see, “XL”  I rule out the idea of finding a larger size… sigh.. guess I will try these other 9 on until I feel so beat up.. I walk out of this dressing room hating my curves and contemplating a surgical removal of these unruly beasts…


For ladies with big ladies.. (aka big boobs, large knockers, big ol’ babbles,  lady lumps, blah.. must I explain?..) it can be even more difficult to find something that does “the job.” right? Especially if you do not want to settle for adorning bathing suits that have more fabric than a 1985 Prom dress..OR make you look like you are about to compete in a triathlon OR you are wearing your grandmothers bra…

After another dressing room episode .. instead of grabbing a cocktail and crying I turned to the Google for some answers, ha!

With my college stint at working at Victorias Secret and my newly learned google knowledge, this now makes me an expert right?

Here are some tips for you large chested ladies look for a bathing suit top that “does the job”:

Here they go:

1.  Underwires are a must:  keep the breast in the breast container…If you want no under boob spillage… you must get some support under the breast.


2.  Buy your Bra size.  Chances are you are probably wearing the wrong bra size anyway… want to know how to measure and buy bathing suit tops by size?  Grab some measuring tape and come right back..

Ok, here we go:

3.  Flattery & Function.  Halter top swimsuits – whether a halter top bikini or one piece swimsuit- can provide a lot of support while maximizing the look of your chest. (to an extent… let’s face it… there’s no hiding them..)  Pay attention to the straps of the swimsuit. This applies to both the bikini swimsuit and the one piece swimsuit style. The thicker the straps, the more support you will have. If you choose a spaghetti strap style and have a DD cup, expect that the swimsuit top will not look quite right – as you will more than likely be weighing it down or spilling out of it. Thicker straps help keep everything in line.

Stay away from triangle tops.  Would you carry a watermelon with an eye patch? nope, didn’t think so.  Stay far far away.


4.  Buy online.   If you are a D and above… you better believe you will not find what you are looking for in stores. Don’t be afraid to order a ton of them online and then send back what does not work.  Also, you get what you pay for..  If you buy a target $12 triangle top… be ready to enjoy $12 worth of coverage and support.

My store of choice is Athleta.   I order a ridiculous amount of separates, ship them home and send back the ones I don’t like.  Their Distribution Center is out of Columbus, so it gets here really quickly.  Athleta has some great styles: From girly to old lady to athletic…  I prefer the Solid Twistini Bikini Top  but that’s just my taste.

Other places to browse: , Panache Swimwear (up to K cup), and Freya Swimwear (up to 38HH)


5.  Embrace It.  Though it can be a challenge, embrace your curves, slap on some sunscreen and get outside for some fun in the sun.. Don’t let your crazy lady lumps keep you from enjoying the summer :)



With lots of lycra love,



My mom and I at Indian Lake


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  1. This is totally awesome, again ! I am trying to giggle through my congestion…yeppers, I am a sick ‘ole woman…sinus infection and cold is kicking me hard !
    I still believe you could write books ! I always knew you were gifted but the older I become, the more I realize how many gifts God has bestowed upon you ! Love you bunches !

  2. ahhhhhhhh super!!! what a great blog!!!!! but my pic leaves much to be desired!!! great insight as always!!! this should go global!!!!!

  3. This is super info and love the references….gotta embrace what you have. I too love Athleta wear…super quality. Keep sharing your humor and great wealth of wisdom.